Have you ever had a secret diary or a journal?
Was it an escape for you or just a way to express yourself?
A few years back I moved from my physical lock and key diaries to a password protected e-journal. And let me tell you that my journal is a little sadist. It sends me reminder e-mails about what I wrote so and so years ago. And needless to say it’s rarely a happy memory. And hence, I never used to entertain those uninvited visits from the past. I did not have the courage to know how shitty I made my life. But lately, before I delete those e-mails I have a glimpse of those first few lines in the thumbnail and they scare the hell out of me.
Today when I had a glimpse of my journal entry dated 6 years back I felt chills. I had written I wanted psychiatric help because I wasn’t able to recognize the person I had become in my head. It made me remember the darker times when I was a permanent resident of a deep dark corner within myself. It took a while for my heart rate to lower. What do you tell yourself in such situations? “I am proud of you that you are where you are?” , “I am glad you survived and didn’t lose your charm?” , and “I am sorry you had to go through those emotions?” What kind of words would caress your goosebumps?
The thing with emotions and memories is that they often make you feel low. Remembering the worse times of your life makes you feel bad about what you let yourself go through. And the good memories make you feel nostalgic. And ironically, nostalgia in itself is a longing for the good times and I don’t remember the last time I was ecstatic longing for something or someone. Do you see how memories play with your already overworked mind?
A few years back when I used to receive these memories I used to sympathize with my old self for going through hard times & even pity that self. But now I neither sympathize nor pity myself. I regret those times. Why did I not communicate and simplify things? Why did I keep stacking them all in? Why did I not restructure my priorities? I understand things look simpler when you look back. But I also know that if they can look simpler now that simply means they were really simple. I just did not have the right frame of perspective. I also know that I may have gained the maturity to have that kind of perspective but doesn’t that mean that the situations were actually simple? And it was my own perception of the situations that made them feel nightmarish.
This is when I realized that how you perceive your memories is all about the current state of your life. When you are going through uncertain times and such turbulent memories ring your inbox you tend to spiral into the endless void of overthinking and self-pity. But if you are at a better place in your life you tend to either shake it off as immaturity or unnecessary drama.
And you know how life plays with us? When you are going through turbulent times, they seem to last forever and everything that comes along seems to make you feel worse. On the other hand, happy days somehow are momentary. Not because they are very few or because we live in a shitty world, but because we tend to feel sadness with more depth and hence the feeling that it lasts longer.
The whole point is whatever you are going through is not as bad as it feels, and it definitely is not who you should be defining yourself around. It may be bad, but not as bad as your mind is making it seem. Our mind is a great storyteller. Take a step back from all the drama your mind is making you go through. Appreciate the stories it weaves. And then find the loopholes to make it your own story.
You don’t have to beat yourself up to take the right decision or the high way. You don’t have to take the long winding conservative road that makes you puke. Sometimes shortcuts are more beautiful. You don’t have to be a godly person to have a clear conscience. Sometimes the best way to untangle a thread is to either cut through the tightest knot and create a loose end or maybe ask someone to help you make it easier.
Pat your back, and hug yourself. Kick someone’s butt or send them a shitty letter. Eat that double-burst cheese pizza or a box full of chocolates. Be responsible for yourself.
It’s okay to stop trying to feel good.
It’s okay to want to yell at someone.
It’s okay to be unreasonable.
It’s okay to demand happy days.
It’s okay to be angry with the universe.
It’s okay to let life figure itself out.
But
It’s not okay to be unkind to yourself.
It’s not okay to harm yourself.
It’s not okay to blame yourself for overthinking.
It’s not okay to criticize yourself for not having your life together.
And it’s not okay to not save some love for yourself.
shraddhanyati 